Here to Stay

So I'm living in Pinedale, Wyoming, a town that it is almost impossible to simply stumble across unless you happen to be on the way to Jackson via Rock Springs. My being here is the poster child for 'things are not always as they seem' but it's a small town. I know people do love to gossip and in the absence of facts they will make shit up as they see fit. So they talk behind their hands and clam up when I walk in.... Why is she here? I heard she's stalking him? She doesn't seem the type....  well I heard.....

And I suppose that's fair. I hear the same shit, know how things must look, and quite honestly, the reality is nowhere near simple. I really don't feel the need to explain any of it; but I find it's often good to just write. And since this is MY Fire Swamp, and I am your host, and you are my guest.... sit back if you're interested, chillax and watch out for the flame spurts and lightning sand. Here is my story.

Maybe you have met someone out of the blue who has had a profound, unexplainable, unbreakable, catlystic influence in your life and maybe you haven't. I have. I won't try to explain it here because I can't and I never could. Maybe it doesn't have to be anything but a catalyst. I have no idea what it means, but it is mutual, unexplored and unresolved. Maybe it always will be, but I have no regrets. I am where I am supposed to be. I just really don't know why yet.... 

When I left Invermere, BC after my first divorce in 1997, with my 4-year-old daughter, hauling a ten foot UHaul trailer behind a Ford Escort, headed for Waukee, IA, I knew I'd be back west, in the mountains, one day. I didn't know how or where or under what circumstances, but I had no doubt. My time in Canada was over, though.The ranges of SW BC are stunning, and Invermere/Windermere/Radium Hot Springs are wonderful, but moving back would require a job to be waiting for me....or I'd have to marry a Canadian, which didn't work out well the first time, so, no. I do have some very dear friends there, though, that I miss more than they know.

This post will jump around a bit, so if you're still reading, bear with me..... there are other places I've thought about moving to over the years. I've always loved the Black Hills and the Big Horn country of Wyoming. The Kalispell area of Montana around Glacier Park and the park itself is incredible, and as much appeal as they had for me, they were never places I wanted to stay in, to live in. They are beautiful and sacred, but they just didn't speak to my soul that way.

The summer of 1990 I drove up to Glacier Park and back via Cheyenne and the eastern slope of the Bighorns, knowing there are mountains farther west that I've never seen and wondering what was out there besides Utah, Yellowstone Park and the Tetons. It seemed silly at the time, but as I drove east towards Cheyenne, checking the rear view, I felt strongly that one day I would know. It wasn't something I thought about again, really, until last night when I was having dinner with a friend and remembered that 'knowing' during our conversation.

I have those now and then. I call them 'knowings' because they come out of nowhere and are crystal clear - not as to their meaning necessarily - but clear as in they ring of truth. And yes, I've been completely convinced I've gone round the bend sometimes for giving them credence, but as I live, that one was real and I'm here now.
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Facebook is a dangerous place. So many people and so many interactions that may or may not mean diddly. I have met some wonderful people online who I  enjoy seeing and interacting with. Those that I don't enjoy seeing or interacting with, well that's simple enough to fix.

About five years ago, I met a man online, out of the thousands of people there, who despite all my efforts at reason, denial and logic, became someone who has been very important to me. I say 'met', but it would be more accurate to say 'recognized'. I can't explain the connection any other way. I've met hundreds of men online and....nothing. So, we flirted briefly at first, but somehow the connection became.....more, and as hard as I tried to ignore it and let it go, over months and then years, it's never really changed. Neither of us encouraged it for many reasons.  Well, to be honest, I did push a bit, later on, because I believe in facing situations, fears, whatever; dealing with them. But I digress.

When we met back then, I was at a place in my life where I'd begun to feel stagnant. I couldn't see how to move forward from where I was - married to a good man who liked life the way it was and was content to live that way for the rest of our lives. Quite honestly, now that the kids were grown and flown, that terrified me. I had projects and friends, but I had become bored and unhappy, and now I think that I met this man, recognized this spirit, at that time because it was time for me to begin to wake up, to do something about it, to listen to my soul and follow my destiny. Oh, and by the way, he lived in, of all places, some podunk town called Pinedale, Wyoming.
 
My spirit has always been restless, a gypsy in need of adventure, challenges - growth, and at this point I'd been settled down longer than I had ever been. I had always wanted to learn to ride a motorcycle, so I discovered that joy at age 50 and for a while my husband and I had something in common again. We  took a bike vacation to the Black Hills in 2012. I had hoped that trip would rekindle the spark and help us find some common ground to save the marriage. It didn't. It broke my heart but I had to tell him I was leaving soon after.

So somehow this person that I hardly knew had made me feel my heart again, and more than almost anything, I wanted to meet him. Needed to. The summer after my divorce I took a 3-week dream bike trip. First  I headed up to British Columbia to see my wonderful friends and my daughter, who was there for her dad's wedding. It was an amazing, fun and relaxing week - very healing; and then I was off to Montana.

He and I met on the side of the highway south of Livingston, and it was a long time coming. He was exactly as I knew he would be, but the energy was confusing, much like a dream. I often wonder what would have happened had I not crashed on Beartooth Highway that evening, just outside of Cooke City, and landed in the hospital at Cody for three days, all banged up with my arms hamburgered. He was wonderful and went far out of his way to stay and take care of everything I couldn't, so I could get home. That's just who he is, how and where he was raised. What kind of place must that be? I would have to wait another year to find out.
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Fast forward to July 23 2014. I was back in Montana to ride Beartooth Highway, to face the crash demons and my fear. It was an awesome ride on a true spirit day. After, I rode south through Yellowstone and Teton Parks, through Jackson, Hoback Canyon and Pinedale, where I planned to stay for a few days, spend some time with my friend and explore. My spirit was open as I rode those last few miles - exhausted. I had pulled out of Red Lodge about 9am and it was getting late now after twelve plus hours on the bike. As I rode past the last overlook and saw Pinedale laid out at the base of the Windriver mountains glowing in the last rays of that day's sunlight, my heart moved in my chest and spoke to my soul. I was home. That was about all I knew right then except that I was more than ready to get out of the saddle and relax.

Six days later, riding south and east, back toward Des Moines, I knew I would be back. Again, I didn't know how or when or under what circumstances. Then in late February 2015 I was downsized from my job of six years at ADP. It wasn't really a surprise, and I had been actively looking for another position with the company, either at the Salt Lake City office or remote, with no success.

After the initial disorientation, I quickly realized that I was now free to go where ever I wanted. I felt liberated, but I knew I had some serious and difficult decisions to make. So my 2nd week of unemployment was spent in deep soul searching; the 3rd began with building a new resume and by Saturday, with incredibly little effort, I had landed a job and an affordable apartment and had committed to arriving to start work at the newspaper on March 30th. When the time is right, the pieces fall together and lord I had to move fast!

So when people learn that I know this man and we have 'a history', they assume I came here to pursue him, I didn't. I came here for me.

Yes, I love him and I always will, but in a spiritual sense. Otherwise I've learned that I really don't even like him very much anymore; I also know that after all these years some things won't change, so I have had to learn to change the way I deal with them.

But much more important than all that is that I've found that people here look out for each other. There are support networks built in to the social fabric for those who have no family or other support available. Maybe other small towns have this too, but it seems unique and special to me. I have found the values that I expected to find here. I'm happy and have had opportunities to do things here that I would have never had maybe anywhere else. So far I have volunteered backstage at a professional theater production, and I've been out sage grouse hunting with falcons.....who knew? Funny how that works, it's all GOOD.

So, at the end of the day,  I believe I've been directed here for a reason; and that reason may or may not have anything at all to do with him. If it's about the connection, then both of us have to face it and want to resolve it. He's not there and I'm not holding my breath. I have much better things to do, as well as a deep faith that whatever the reason is, it can't be forced or stopped; and if the time comes when I need to do something different, I will cross that bridge then.

In the meantime, there is no place else I'd rather be than Pinedale, Wyoming. I love it here, have met some truly wonderful people and will continue to build my life and relationships here, do my best to make good decisions and be true to myself.

Namaste