Last weekend I went for a beer a few blocks from home after I got off work. I walked in and sat down at the bar a couple of stools down from a fairly large man who looked sort of familiar but I was tired and I figured, well I don't know many people in Pinedale yet so no big deal. Anyway, after a while and some general chatting with the bartender and others there, someone said his full name and I did a mental facepalm! He is a riding buddy of a friend I stayed with last summer when I visited here. I met him in a group my first night in town. In my defense, it has been a year since then, and I'm not entirely sure he recognized me, but he is, or should be, pretty recognizable and this kind of thing happens to me all the time.
I have a genetic condition called prosopagnosia, or "face blindness". I lack the 'survival' instinct to recall faces well and clearly; and while it is a relief to know it is a real disorder and not a personality flaw, it has caused me a lot of embarrassment as well as social and professional difficulties.
My case is mild to intermediate and the gist of the effect is that many faces tend to 'blend', meaning one will seem to me to look very much like another until I get to know someone well. If they look much like someone else I am only briefly acquainted with, say they have similar hairstyles and/or coloring or something, I've been known to confuse the two until one becomes clear or I can see them together. On the other hand, when there is something apparent and unique about a new acquaintance's appearance or demeanor, or if I feel an immediate connection with them, this doesn't apply, so I tend to navigate by feel until I can get sorted to the point where faces are part of my memory.
I became aware of the existence of this condition in 2006 when I read a short article in Time Magazine about prosopagnosia here. I was completely floored because I had always thought that somehow my inability to recognize faces and the ensuing difficulties was some kind of personality flaw - and somehow my fault. I knew it wasn't normal and people who said things like "I never forget a face" were absolutely mysterious to me - I could not - and cannot now, imagine having that ability.
I have done all the masking behaviors, like tending to avoid places where I might run into someone. Social gatherings where I know I might see acquaintances that I won't recognize can still be stressful. I will act friendly to everyone or to no one (depending on where I am and/or my mood at the time), or I will pretend to be lost in thought or concentrating very hard on what I'm doing or reading.
Prosopagnosia affects about one in fifty people and is often inherited. I believe my father has it as well. All his life, he has avoided social situations where he doesn't know more than a couple of people well. Drove Mom crazy sometimes when they would go out together. Thing is, if they had known, she would have known to simply remind him quietly of the names of the people he didn't recall; then he could have relaxed and enjoyed himself more.
And I totally understand that stress. I have had entire conversations with someone I've just met, for example, at the pool; then I will see that same person at the grocery store two days later and am not able to recall them. They look 'familiar', but not in a way that I associate directly with the person I met two days ago - unless there is something distinctive or unusual about one or more of their features, their voice, or some other aspect of their manner or appearance. I can remember what we talked about, how I felt, everything but their face.
The puzzled looks from acquaintances over the years still haunt me at times, because usually I realize later who it was and know that they were "out of context" from when I met them. Then of course, I feel awful about not being able to remember, but by then, they already think I'm horribly lazy, rude or anti-social.
It's very disorienting and upsetting. It's even happened with people that I used to see a couple times a week, but have not seen for several months. Someone will say hello to me by name in the checkout line or at a party and I'll pretend to remember, hoping that some specific recognition will come to me, but it seldom does until it's too late. In these cases the person will again seem vaguely familiar, but I am completely at a loss to place them - they are "out of context".
Prosopagnosia adds a particularly challenging layer to relocating from the city. As a genetic disorder it cannot be 'cured', but I have been trying to overcome it best I can since I learned it existed. I've recently moved from Des Moines, Iowa, to Pinedale, Wyoming, which is a community small enough for pretty much everyone to know everyone who has been here for a while, if not by name then by reputation.
I love it. My spirit is happy here. It's been two and a half months now, and although I do miss my friends back east, I have met some truly wonderful and unique people here. The reality of not being able to escape into the anonymity of the city is more apparent all the time; it forces me out of myself and into the moment, and as I begin to make friends and build relationships, I am finding that to be extremely healing....and sometimes more than a little frightening.
So if you have read this and we've met, and you get the feeling when we meet again that something isn't right; I hope that you will remind me and will be very grateful if you do.
And maybe, if you've read this far and checked out the linked article, you have begun to find some of the answers you've been looking for.
Namaste
